But I actually do understand some cases of dabbling and then complaining. People get into this expecting to be empowered, but the more one learns, the more they know how little they really know... which is so disempowering as to be scary. For most things of that nature, it helps to have a social dimension... but since so much of this journey is internal, it's all too common to have such social structures spiral into a cult. Which is decidedly less helpful to self-empowerment.
I really am very grateful to live exposed to such a diversity of experiences, but here's me complaining anyway. In hindsight I didn't really have a reason to. It was completely my own perspective attuned to an alternative reality. There were no poltergeist-like happenings or anything, so I didn't complain outside my diary because I didn't absolutely need to. And if it wasn't all me, these entities were incredibly weak.
2007/05/04
My diary dated here quotes Robert Bruce's essay on "Astral Beings and Wildlife", so the Neg parade was kind of already happening. Bruce wrote abut entities that like to terrorize new projectors and often take the form of something from the projector's mind because of their telepathic abilities.
Okay, this was me, a new projector, in the middle of witnessing a parade of Negs right before my three eyes, and even then I thought it was mind-numbingly spirit-tarnishingly fluffy how he presents these astral nasties preying on new projectors as a fact. Couldn't he even pretend to consider the possibility that these negs are from the projector's mind, before leaping to the conclusion that they're telepathic shapeshifters? Come on.
I was mostly sublimating my anger at my mom, though. How did I get into that situation? Well, there's a huge gap in my manual diary, so I must have been in a really emotionally bad place. But, I do remember that I consulted with my Auntie J.J., professional astrology reader and previously an avid astral walker, about how to have an OBE. Dear Auntie J.J. casually passed on what I'd been attempting to my mom, who freaked out and told me that I was opening myself up to a layer of reality that I wasn't spiritually ready for. I’d attract demons, she’d said, which was an odd thing to say when she hadn't cared before. Ironically, I hadn’t really met any bad entities, until my mom made such a strong suggestion that I would.
That is how the next night, as I remember, I successfully initiated sleep paralysis. My body felt leadened, and I could see past my eyelids... and I thought, Okay. Fear conquered.
Now: if I could get out of my body, I should be able to teleport and see how my friends overseas are doing, go to the higher planes and see if I can confer with my guides if there was some higher reason for my mom to have lost her job, or how to best deal with the emotional fallout that's going on with my family as a consequence, and also leave my body vacant for demonic possession--
Huh? Where'd that last thought come from?
... and what's that weight on the bed next to me?
2007/05/10
Well, it started out red-haired and jaundiced and scarred like the picture, but gradually... because even after I'd broken out of paralysis, even when I wasn't meditating, I could see her. It. Grinning at me, disappearing and appearing in odd places around the apartment. So, I observed gradual changes. She became moon-white in complexion, with black haystack hair, lost the scars, and grew a mean line of pointed teeth.
How I saw her is kind of difficult to explain. She wasn't translucent like those hologram-ghosts they show on television. Nobody else could see her when I saw her, which I understood because... well... even I could tell that she wasn't a solid physical thing bouncing physical light energy off herself and into my eyes. No mechanics of seeing as I knew them were in the works with this, but, still, I could see her. It's hard to explain, but... the image seemed to project itself into the view of the physical room that I had in my head. That's the best way I can explain it. The real room was around me and I could see that room, but only through some "simultaneous memory" vision of the room. I would think it was like the image that your brain corrects, because the way your eyeballs bend light really turn everything upside down, so what you see isn’t necessarily what’s before our eyes.
So... was she just in my head? I mean, she started out as a movie character. And she wasn't actually doing anything, but look creepy. She didn't attack me while I was sleeping, but she did keep me up nights, warily staring at her.
I came to the conclusion that one particularly deep meditation session had rewired my brain, so that I'd put myself in a kind of waking dream or imposing imagination. Since she was just my imagination, I ought to be able to actively imagine her walking away and never coming back. Good. I visualized her walking away as clearly as I could. But... there seemed to be a double-image of what I usually fantasize or remember of the past in my head-- and, the "simultaneous memory" that I mentioned. It simply didn't work to imagine her away. She'd still "be" "there" when I "sprung back" to "reality". Ugh. This is a real chore to describe. Lookit, sometimes we have an irresistibly torturous mental image or a memory that haunts, but for the most part, fantasies are at our command... and memories can be called voluntarily, right? But these mental visions were out of my control.
"Well," I thought back then, stubbornly, "Few people dream lucidly every night, and that doesn't mean dreams are real, just because they run independently of our conscious deliberation. This is all in my head, just a deep part of my head." Determined not to let this phantom affect my life, I plucked up the courage to start meditating again.
And the same thing happened, with other Negs. They flooded out like an infestation. Now I really thought I was going crazy, but, I reasoned that I hadn't destroyed any property, harmed others, or caused harm to myself from these visions. I simply held the rare opinion that there were malicious entities in our apartment. Just holding an opinion or perspective doesn't make someone clinically insane.
2007/05/17
Regan "Chunky Sadako" MacNeg was still the main bother. While washing dishes, I'd sensed it come up behind me, and physically felt it put its hand on my back. I broke a saucer and screamed a lot. That's destruction of property, so I can count as crazy now.
I gave up. I went on psychic shutdown, closed up the chakras, halted meditations and looked really hard at the Negs until I'd got in firmly into my head that the only real things there were physical things. Last I saw Regan MacNeg, she'd popped up behind my computer desk with a deep grainy laugh, and I told myself there was only a wall there, forced myself to stare right through her... and she faded. We didn't have any poltergeist-type activity, so I thought that was the end of it.
2007/06/05
Sibling's birthday. Sibling likes to party, and the apartment was bigger than the dorm, so... loads of people came by, but I only knew Sibling’s roommates. Let’s call them Anjie, Cecilia, and Mahadevi.
"No offense," said Cecilia, "But... why does... I mean, I think..." she trailed off and mumbled something about tentacles under the computer table. None of my Negs had tentacles, but-- she could sense something awful here? I almost cried in relief and we both spent the rest of the party catching up with each other while hiding from ghosts and Negs.
Cecilia told me that she had been suffering from episodes of empathic overload. She said her new boyfriend's psychic senses were probably rubbing off on her, which was the first time I'd ever heard of something like that happening. (And the way her new boyfriend got his new senses opened up is a tale for grandchildren.) She wanted to celebrate Sibling's party, but parties gave her empathic overload, which was why we were hiding with our backs pressed against the corner and curled up like street urchins. Mahadevi found us like that on the way to the bathroom.
"Both of you," he announced, "Totally suck." And he did a Wiccan-style banishing of the negs, gave Cecil and I some rather traditionalist tips (but I wasn't going to be picky or ungrateful!) and freed me to start over with better foundations, so I'd say I progressed more in the time since than the years before.
2007/11/25
I knew I was on my way when I found myself paralyzed and sensing a couple of entities... a woman that seemed to radiate a warm and bright amber light, and a shy boyish sort of wild body that my mind leapt to identify as a faun. I wasn't scared at all, asking them kindly to leave while I meditated, and they did. Maybe this was just ordinary sleep paralysis with hypnopompic hallucination, rather than some astral phasing, but I should hope that I was always most concerned with just losing the fear for good.
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