Some experiences that I interpreted as spiritual, were indistinguishable from imagination except for the fact that I couldn’t change it. And this didn’t make sense, because if I was experiencing it then I should also have agency. I could see some teethy nasty lady in my room, but if I then forced a visual of her walking away, or forced a visual of glowing protective pentagrams, it wouldn’t work: the visual comes as a surprise to me, rather than a deliberation. On the other hand, I could deliberately think up a crowded restaurant scene, but decided not to actively imagine an answer from whoever I met there, and it kind of works because I get an answer anyway and it doesn’t feel as if it comes from me.
I’ll call this the imaginarium. And I never wanted to tune into this place except for spellcheck and memory recovery and unwritten Mary Sue fanfiction. And struggling-to-be-written fiction novels, but that always kept up some wall between myself and the characters who never knew that I was watching. Presently, its nature doesn’t provide such a neat category: I know when I’m definitely or even probably having an out of body experience, but I don’t know anymore if I’m imagining something. I want to attune to the mindscape much less because this is supposed to be a tool for my mind to use, and it appears to be currently malfunctioning.
It’s not supposed to surprise me with jet-and-gold handled steel rapiers that turn into silver and ivory longswords on New Year’s Eve and don’t work as well as it used to when it was dark and cursed so I try to imagine its previous form and this object of my conscious imagination that changed without my conscious imagination then resists my consciously imagined change.
It’s not supposed to make no sense like one of my non-corporeal friends come up to tell me, “Oh, I spliced chronological time so you still have this sword’s previous form in a separate form, and it’s hanging on the wall of this happy place you imagined, but that doesn’t matter because you’re not allowed to use it.” And they're non-corporeal in my happy place, not in my simultaneous experience of the default world that I should also think up of a name for. "Projection screen"? It seems like the same place as both psychological projection and out-of-body-experience "astral" projection. Anyway, I don't know if it's my non-corporeal friend or if I just think that it is-- or only ever thought that it was.
My happy place is supposed to be happy. I should be allowed to use the swords that I want to use for purposes that I want to put them to, if they are hanging on the wall of my happy place. My happy place shouldn’t surprise me by being infested with zombies, or spatially annexed to my grade school campus when I wanted a garden there and keep trying to put a garden there with my mind, or include appearances of entities that have previously only shown up in dreams and in my simultaneous experience of the physical realm.
This is not supposed to happen because I made it all up, and I made it all up because I have that control. This isn't reality or a dream, where the realm outside of the "I" has some inert force that asserts its reality. This isn't an astral projection, where there's anything to explore. This is imagination.
What is going on?
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