Hiding the Heart

"Hiding the heart" is something that I've been trying to figure out how to do, since very early in my journey. I was inspired by fairy tales and fantasy, Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, Tom Riddle's search for immortality by dividing parts of his soul into seven plot MacGuffins-- and, without any really solid root in metaphysics or metaphysical theories floating around the internet (I have no other source, never joined any secret order to study Western ceremonial magick, never pursued yoga beyond the basic classes, and I don't boast an impressive collection of classical or modern occult literature), I had no idea specifically what I would be working with. I still don't. I heard some common knowledge among metaphysical practitioners that emotionally traumatic events naturally "splinter the soul"-- so, maybe I haven't needed to do this at all.

But, all I knew was that I wanted to live without a specific kind of pain, even though I was intuitively aware that the "organ" that would constantly get the most hurt also bestowed a specific quality of life.

First, I attempted to perform a magick spell. The physical components were a rose quartz inside a bivalve shell that had been glued together and scrawled with protective symbols. The metaphysical components were meditations visualizing myself cutting out my heart and sealing it away, expecting that it would still resonate with the rest of the body but not be connected.

So, I had an idea of what to do, but for whatever reason it just didn't work. If I took my deliberate distancing away from the extracted spiritual organ for a moment, the thing that I cut away would just be back. Mental incisions on the metaphysical body would heal up like Jell-o. Binding me from part-of-me and the other way around? Took no effect. It was like trying to tickle yourself, or (for those who can tickle themselves) like holding your own breath until you die from lack of oxygen. (Please don't try to do the latter. My point is, the effort didn't work.)

Second, I thought it was conceptually my memory and physically my brain (amygdala is where the emotions are, after all-- not the heart). I dedicated myself to specific gods to assist me with this endeavor, and used a whole lot of Water energy to pump through my brain (or corresponding area of the metaphysical body).

The result? I still felt emotionally terrible, and my mental faculty to form new memories was greatly compromised. It wasn't quite amnesia, it was more that things I needed to remember and to know, simply weren't seeping in and sticking. Some things that I didn't need to stick still stuck, because they emotionally hurt. So, that was a wash.

Third time's the charm. My latest (successful) attempt coincided with the discovery of my animal guide. I had tried, failed, and given up finding my animal guides a long while back, but when this came up, I thought, Hey, if this is the real thing then maybe that thing I kept trying to do would work this time! And I fed my heart to my guide and sent it away with the command to keep itself safe.

Results: I still had all my mental faculties (well, as much as you can say to someone who sees these things and does these things-- the memory snafu from the second attempt had reversed itself), thoughts were there, emotions were there... I would still react to aggravating things happening, and aggravating things still happened, but... something about living like this was much better.

After about a week of this, though, I sensed... other parts had begun to hurt, the ones I associated as directly around where my heart would have been. It wasn't that they were taking damage meant for the heart, at least not totally that. It was like they hurt because the heart wasn't there.

So, I called my animal guide/self back, got it to cough up my heart, and put my heart back where it was supposed to be. (Actually, I still don't know what this thing I call my heart really is. The metaphysical heart obviously doesn't serve the same purpose as the physical heart.)

I've noticed that my heart felt full and strong and good as new, after so much time away. The timing was terrible, though: shortly, some external conflicts sprung up and I started feeling that kind of deep pain again. However, it's good to know that I can hide it away again any time, if life gets to be too much.