Home Is Where The Heart Is

So, I did this. Removed my heart. Metaphysically speaking.

And, I said that I only did it for a little while, but for a while after that I did it again for really a very long while.

Sometime earlier this month, maybe a week ago, it occurred to me to put my heart back.

While it was gone, I could feel the inside scabbing over, and I just bore it. Now that the heart is back in, I can feel that it wasn't the worst thing about being heartless. I had no compassion or consideration while my heart was gone, and I hardly noticed when it happened at first but now I can feel how nurturing it is. I'm naturally introverted, or rather naturally ambiverted but leaning towards introversion-- but without my heart, I could sort of feel a singularity forming in the middle of the scabs that was a big influence on my addictive behavior. When the heart is small, the world is small. It seemed that there was never time enough to manage to do anything else. I also felt more metaphysically extroverted. So, having a heart does empower something, I just don't know exactly what. Maybe it's just that everything goes better when everything is where it's supposed to be, not exactly that the heart is a power source by itself.

Now, I didn't have much compassion, either, when my heart was damaged and laced with miasma. So, I consider hiding it away all this time as a necessary evil, even though it was slightly disempowering. The situation itself was disempowering, with or without the heart. It's only good (for my heart) to be back because it's good to be back. Not because goodness comes out of having a heart. The time away allowed it to feel, now, more robust and whole than it ever was.

Returning my heart was more conceptual than dissociated. As in, it didn't involve my animal identity. It did involve a very blank and quiet altered mind state, with the intention set.